From my 20s on, I have always looked younger than I actually am. Which is funny, since before that, I always looked older than I actually was. I remember going back to school shopping with my grandma one time when I was about 12. The salesperson asked me if I was off to college. What can I say? I got boobs at an early age.
At 30, I was finishing my Master in Teaching degree. Jared was 2 and I felt so accomplished for having completed it with a toddler. I was so excited to turn 30. It's a cliche', but it felt like it was the first day of the rest of my life. I got my first teaching job and came up with 5 year plan and a 10 year plan. I bought a house. Things were looking good for me. Then I lost my job, lost my house, and gave up on the 5 and 10 year plans.
Now here I am, rapidly approaching 40. And while I still get mistaken for being in my mid 20s, I FEEL old. And tired. I am in a constant state of motion, yet the motion seems to be pulling me back instead of moving me forward; feeling like for every step I take forward, I take two steps back. For every little success, one giant failure. And I feel like I am starting to be defined by those failures. Well...in my own mind anyway.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Friday, June 17, 2011
In a Moment of Clarity
I made the decision. The one that has been weighing on me for weeks. Make that months. Okay for about a year. But really in the last six weeks or so it has really come bubbling up to the surface, to where I can no longer ignore it.
It is about my business. And even though it is about my business, I can't bring myself to post this there - not just yet. It started about a year ago. It was supposed to be just something to make me a little extra money for the summer. But somehow, it grew - like a cancer, taking over my life. Just comparing my business to a cancer in the first place should make it seem like the decision would be an easy one, right? It's not.
Farmer's markets on the weekend, maybe one during the week if I could find one. Crafting my wares in my little kitchen. Then I saw it. The perfect little storefront. Even though it had only previously been a glimmer in my mind - something for later, years later, when the business had proven viable - I went for it.
Things went down hill practically from the time I signed the lease. I should have taken it as a sign to just get out while the gettin' was good. Right before opening my doors, I had a huge falling out with some close friends. Close friends who were actually housemates at the time. The result was that in less than a week, Jared and I had moved out. The thing was, a lot of my business plan, at that time, was built around them. Their encouragement, their help. I was mourning the loss of a friendship and at the same time wondering how I was going to pay my bills, not to mention open the store.
The opening was delayed almost two months. During that time I was not even sure how I was going to be able to do the market. And on at least one occasion, my landlord offered to let me out of the lease. Another sign. Another missed opportunity, in hindsight. But I was determined to give it a go. By the end of the summer, it was starting to take off. I had even been on the front page of the local paper! But just when I was getting my name out there...it was September and school was starting.
During the school year, I work as a substitute teacher. And as a single mom, I just could not give up that steady-ish income. I did not have the luxury of a second income to alleviate some of the risk associated with opening up a business. So I scaled back my hours. Saturday. That was the only day I was open, for the entire school year. It stayed pretty steady for me up until Christmas. Then I encountered the New Year slump...big time. Everything came to a screeching halt until April. Meanwhile, I was paying my store rent with my subbing money. Which, by the time I paid my apartment rent, left me with almost nothing. I was convincing myself that, because I could pay my rent and utilities for the store, I was breaking even. Our brains are so easily tricked sometimes.
Mother's Day. That is when it reached the tipping point. I was alone, working in my shop on Mother's Day. Alone. As I had been on Thanksgiving Day, because I wanted to have the store open for Black Friday (which ended up being a total bust). I know that sacrifices are made when you start a business, especially a retail one, but this time it felt like enough was enough.
Our local farmer's market started the Saturday of Mother's Day weekend. I had borrowed against my rent payment for the store to be able to get some things for setting up my display. And while I had a pretty good weekend, I still did not have enough to cover the rent. In fact, I was not able to pay my rent for three more weeks. Then came June 1st. My paycheck was only enough to cover both rents, nothing more. The problem is, there was more that had to be paid.
I made lists of the pros and cons for staying open. The list was pretty balanced. I told friends what I was thinking. Again, the response was pretty balanced. I spent hours crying, praying, hoping that the answer would become clear. Just when I thought I had made my decision, I undecided. Back and forth. Around and around. Then today happened.
It occurred to me, as I was walking into the store today, that I had been avoiding going into the store. Or, should I say, avoiding the landlord and my inability to pay this month's rent. I went into the back room and just cried, realizing that the decision had become clear. I just can't do it anymore. I work18 hour days, 7 days a week, weekends, holidays, never in bed before 1 or 2 am, no social life, always broke. The worst part is the toll it has taken on my relationship with my son.
I. Am. Done.
I have some ideas for how to carry on the business without the storefront. And priority #1 is getting it back to where I had originally wanted it to be - something that would make me a little extra money in the summer. I will downsize and move my workshop back into my little kitchen. I will continue to do the market on Saturday (but not every Saturday if I don't want to). I will keep the online store open and work on ways to grow that side of the business. And in the process, I hope to re-discover the passion for my craft, which I haven't felt as of late. And most importantly, begin to re-connect with a certain 10 year old.
After I finish this post, I am writing that letter to the landlord.
No regrets. A little sadness. A huge weight lifted.
It is about my business. And even though it is about my business, I can't bring myself to post this there - not just yet. It started about a year ago. It was supposed to be just something to make me a little extra money for the summer. But somehow, it grew - like a cancer, taking over my life. Just comparing my business to a cancer in the first place should make it seem like the decision would be an easy one, right? It's not.
Farmer's markets on the weekend, maybe one during the week if I could find one. Crafting my wares in my little kitchen. Then I saw it. The perfect little storefront. Even though it had only previously been a glimmer in my mind - something for later, years later, when the business had proven viable - I went for it.
Things went down hill practically from the time I signed the lease. I should have taken it as a sign to just get out while the gettin' was good. Right before opening my doors, I had a huge falling out with some close friends. Close friends who were actually housemates at the time. The result was that in less than a week, Jared and I had moved out. The thing was, a lot of my business plan, at that time, was built around them. Their encouragement, their help. I was mourning the loss of a friendship and at the same time wondering how I was going to pay my bills, not to mention open the store.
The opening was delayed almost two months. During that time I was not even sure how I was going to be able to do the market. And on at least one occasion, my landlord offered to let me out of the lease. Another sign. Another missed opportunity, in hindsight. But I was determined to give it a go. By the end of the summer, it was starting to take off. I had even been on the front page of the local paper! But just when I was getting my name out there...it was September and school was starting.
During the school year, I work as a substitute teacher. And as a single mom, I just could not give up that steady-ish income. I did not have the luxury of a second income to alleviate some of the risk associated with opening up a business. So I scaled back my hours. Saturday. That was the only day I was open, for the entire school year. It stayed pretty steady for me up until Christmas. Then I encountered the New Year slump...big time. Everything came to a screeching halt until April. Meanwhile, I was paying my store rent with my subbing money. Which, by the time I paid my apartment rent, left me with almost nothing. I was convincing myself that, because I could pay my rent and utilities for the store, I was breaking even. Our brains are so easily tricked sometimes.
Mother's Day. That is when it reached the tipping point. I was alone, working in my shop on Mother's Day. Alone. As I had been on Thanksgiving Day, because I wanted to have the store open for Black Friday (which ended up being a total bust). I know that sacrifices are made when you start a business, especially a retail one, but this time it felt like enough was enough.
Our local farmer's market started the Saturday of Mother's Day weekend. I had borrowed against my rent payment for the store to be able to get some things for setting up my display. And while I had a pretty good weekend, I still did not have enough to cover the rent. In fact, I was not able to pay my rent for three more weeks. Then came June 1st. My paycheck was only enough to cover both rents, nothing more. The problem is, there was more that had to be paid.
I made lists of the pros and cons for staying open. The list was pretty balanced. I told friends what I was thinking. Again, the response was pretty balanced. I spent hours crying, praying, hoping that the answer would become clear. Just when I thought I had made my decision, I undecided. Back and forth. Around and around. Then today happened.
It occurred to me, as I was walking into the store today, that I had been avoiding going into the store. Or, should I say, avoiding the landlord and my inability to pay this month's rent. I went into the back room and just cried, realizing that the decision had become clear. I just can't do it anymore. I work18 hour days, 7 days a week, weekends, holidays, never in bed before 1 or 2 am, no social life, always broke. The worst part is the toll it has taken on my relationship with my son.
I. Am. Done.
I have some ideas for how to carry on the business without the storefront. And priority #1 is getting it back to where I had originally wanted it to be - something that would make me a little extra money in the summer. I will downsize and move my workshop back into my little kitchen. I will continue to do the market on Saturday (but not every Saturday if I don't want to). I will keep the online store open and work on ways to grow that side of the business. And in the process, I hope to re-discover the passion for my craft, which I haven't felt as of late. And most importantly, begin to re-connect with a certain 10 year old.
After I finish this post, I am writing that letter to the landlord.
No regrets. A little sadness. A huge weight lifted.
Just Write
Why is that so hard to do, to just write? I currently have 5 posts sitting in my queue. Posts I have started to write, but haven't finished. The words are swirling around in my head, but the minute that fingertips hit keyboard, they are suddenly gone. Where do they go?
I have been reading a lot of blogs about blogging recently. I am trying to rev-up my business blog. One of the tips I keep hearing is to just write, get it all down. Then go back and edit. That is my problem, the self-censor. That thing that makes me go back and revise every little sentence that I write. There, I did it just now. And again. Meanwhile, the words that seemed so perfectly crafted while they were in my brain decide to go out for lunch without me.
There's that and maybe a little fear. Once I hit that "Publish Post" button, it is out there. In all its glory. For the world to see. For better or worse. Okay, I'll stop with the cliches', you get the point. I am going to press the button now.
I have been reading a lot of blogs about blogging recently. I am trying to rev-up my business blog. One of the tips I keep hearing is to just write, get it all down. Then go back and edit. That is my problem, the self-censor. That thing that makes me go back and revise every little sentence that I write. There, I did it just now. And again. Meanwhile, the words that seemed so perfectly crafted while they were in my brain decide to go out for lunch without me.
There's that and maybe a little fear. Once I hit that "Publish Post" button, it is out there. In all its glory. For the world to see. For better or worse. Okay, I'll stop with the cliches', you get the point. I am going to press the button now.
Thursday, June 2, 2011
We have a lot in common...just not very much.
The headline sounds like something someone you are dating would say to you right before he dumps you - a variation of, "It's not you, it's me." But in my reality, this is something my 10 year old said to me.
Looking back, I can't even remember what the conversation was about, just that I had said something to him about us not agreeing on much. Now that I think about it, it was probably about what I was going to make for dinner. Anyway, his response to me was, "Mom, we have a lot in common. Just not very much." With those eleven words, he essentially summed up how I often feel about our relationship.
This blog had been steeping in my brain, for what seems like forever. I recently signed up for the 31 Days to Build a Better Blog over on the SITS Girls website, but for my business blog. Now was as good a time as ever to work on this one too, I figured. Once I decided to jump in, I was faced with the hardest task of getting started. It needed a title.
What would it be? A jazzy play on words? A trendy portmanteau? Some perfectly poetic alliteration? It did not help that each "original" idea I had was already taken. Then yesterday, as I re-played that conversation with my son in my head, I realized that his quote had become somewhat of a mantra to me. It was the balance. The glue that holds our little family unit together. He is like me in so many ways, but at the same time he is so very different. Together, we are a lot...but not much. Thus, a title was born.
So there you have it. I know that there are practically just as many mom blogs out there as there are actual moms, but I don't care. This one is mine.
Looking back, I can't even remember what the conversation was about, just that I had said something to him about us not agreeing on much. Now that I think about it, it was probably about what I was going to make for dinner. Anyway, his response to me was, "Mom, we have a lot in common. Just not very much." With those eleven words, he essentially summed up how I often feel about our relationship.
This blog had been steeping in my brain, for what seems like forever. I recently signed up for the 31 Days to Build a Better Blog over on the SITS Girls website, but for my business blog. Now was as good a time as ever to work on this one too, I figured. Once I decided to jump in, I was faced with the hardest task of getting started. It needed a title.
What would it be? A jazzy play on words? A trendy portmanteau? Some perfectly poetic alliteration? It did not help that each "original" idea I had was already taken. Then yesterday, as I re-played that conversation with my son in my head, I realized that his quote had become somewhat of a mantra to me. It was the balance. The glue that holds our little family unit together. He is like me in so many ways, but at the same time he is so very different. Together, we are a lot...but not much. Thus, a title was born.
So there you have it. I know that there are practically just as many mom blogs out there as there are actual moms, but I don't care. This one is mine.
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