In a Moment of Clarity

I made the decision. The one that has been weighing on me for weeks. Make that months. Okay for about a year. But really in the last six weeks or so it has really come bubbling up to the surface, to where I can no longer ignore it.

It is about my business. And even though it is about my business, I can't bring myself to post this there - not just yet. It started about a year ago. It was supposed to be just something to make me a little extra money for the summer. But somehow, it grew - like a cancer, taking over my life. Just comparing my business to a cancer in the first place should make it seem like the decision would be an easy one, right? It's not.

Farmer's markets on the weekend, maybe one during the week if I could find one. Crafting my wares in my little kitchen. Then I saw it. The perfect little storefront. Even though it had only previously been a glimmer in my mind - something for later, years later, when the business had proven viable - I went for it.

Things went down hill practically from the time I signed the lease. I should have taken it as a sign to just get out while the gettin' was good. Right before opening my doors, I had a huge falling out with some close friends. Close friends who were actually housemates at the time. The result was that in less than a week, Jared and I had moved out. The thing was, a lot of my business plan, at that time, was built around them. Their encouragement, their help. I was mourning the loss of a friendship and at the same time wondering how I was going to pay my bills, not to mention open the store.

The opening was delayed almost two months. During that time I was not even sure how I was going to be able to do the market. And on at least one occasion, my landlord offered to let me out of the lease. Another sign. Another missed opportunity, in hindsight. But I was determined to give it a go. By the end of the summer, it was starting to take off. I had even been on the front page of the local paper! But just when I was getting my name out there...it was September and school was starting.

During the school year, I work as a substitute teacher. And as a single mom, I just could not give up that steady-ish income. I did not have the luxury of a second income to alleviate some of the risk associated with opening up a business. So I scaled back my hours. Saturday. That was the only day I was open, for the entire school year. It stayed pretty steady for me up until Christmas. Then I encountered the New Year slump...big time. Everything came to a screeching halt until April. Meanwhile, I was paying my store rent with my subbing money. Which, by the time I paid my apartment rent, left me with almost nothing. I was convincing myself that, because I could pay my rent and utilities for the store, I was breaking even. Our brains are so easily tricked sometimes.

Mother's Day. That is when it reached the tipping point. I was alone, working in my shop on Mother's Day. Alone. As I had been on Thanksgiving Day, because I wanted to have the store open for Black Friday (which ended up being a total bust). I know that sacrifices are made when you start a business, especially a retail one, but this time it felt like enough was enough.

Our local farmer's market started the Saturday of Mother's Day weekend. I had borrowed against my rent payment for the store to be able to get some things for setting up my display. And while I had a pretty good weekend, I still did not have enough to cover the rent. In fact, I was not able to pay my rent for three more weeks. Then came June 1st. My paycheck was only enough to cover both rents, nothing more. The problem is, there was more that had to be paid.

I made lists of the pros and cons for staying open. The list was pretty balanced. I told friends what I was thinking. Again, the response was pretty balanced. I spent hours crying, praying, hoping that the answer would become clear. Just when I thought I had made my decision, I undecided. Back and forth. Around and around. Then today happened.

It occurred to me, as I was walking into the store today, that I had been avoiding going into the store. Or, should I say, avoiding the landlord and my inability to pay this month's rent. I went into the back room and just cried, realizing that the decision had become clear. I just can't do it anymore. I work18 hour days, 7 days a week, weekends, holidays, never in bed before 1 or 2 am, no social life, always broke. The worst part is the toll it has taken on my relationship with my son.

I. Am. Done.

I have some ideas for how to carry on the business without the storefront. And priority #1 is getting it back to where I had originally wanted it to be - something that would make me a little extra money in the summer. I will downsize and move my workshop back into my little kitchen. I will continue to do the market on Saturday (but not every Saturday if I don't want to). I will keep the online store open and work on ways to grow that side of the business. And in the process, I hope to re-discover the passion for my craft, which I haven't felt as of late. And most importantly, begin to re-connect with a certain 10 year old.

After I finish this post, I am writing that letter to the landlord.

No regrets. A little sadness. A huge weight lifted.